


The Rumor Mill Game

by Greenninjagal



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: 2060 words of Logan surprising the shit out of Remus, A crap ton of inconsequential OCs, Alternate Universe - Human, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Implied Sexual Content, Logan ends them, M/M, Remus starts rumors, Rumor mills, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, now with more words!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-03-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:22:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22413178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Greenninjagal/pseuds/Greenninjagal
Summary: Remus realized suddenly that Logan was overdue for a good rumor about himself, now wasn’t he?And Remus sitting on the counter with Logan’s mug between his fingers, knew just what it should be.***Aka Remus made his own game and he always wins. Until he doesn't.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Deceit Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 135
Kudos: 460





	1. Let's Play a Game

**Author's Note:**

> I found this hella amazing prompt on Tumblr and I just couldn't resist writing it out.

When Remus had first taken the job, he hadn’t thought it would end up like this. 

First of all, the job wasn’t supposed to be _booooring!_ so its hardly his fault for trying to make some sort of fun out of it. He wasn’t hard to please, really: just a few comments, a well timed smile, a wink. He was so honest that his coworkers couldn’t help but just cozy up to him.

Janet from Accounting in particular had a nice little gasp anytime he said anything that wasn’t necessarily “Work Appropriate” and blushed like a tomato which made her look ridiculously dumb. And Mark from Human Relations treated everything he said like it was gospel truth. 

So Remus can’t be blamed for how it started: a few half truths, a couple interpretations, a handful of crude jokes and suddenly half the company was buzzing with energy that hadn’t been seen since at least the 90′s. Quin from three cubicles over had brought him a pan of cupcakes the other day just to get the inside scoop before their equally nosy coworkers.

And it wasn’t as if Remus was _hurting_ anyone. No one got fired over the little rumors he had put out there and sure there were a few soured relationships, but Remus honestly didn’t think Jen and Kyle should have been together if Kyle was kissing Jen’s brother on the weekends. No one got hurt when he opened his mouth. It was just a game.

(The moment it was more than that it wasn’t _fun_ anymore. And Remus didn’t play games that weren’t fun.)

Still sitting on the counter in the break room with his feet bumping the cabinets, felt different now. Originally it had made him feel like he was sitting on a throne of gold while his coworkers scrambled at his knees looking up to him, but the petty squabbling had gotten lame. Mari from R&D had gone on maternity leave and now the buzz was all about the twins she was going to have.

Which was great and fine.

But she was already planning on naming the kids boring things like “John” and “Gina” even though Remus had told her that “Destructo” and “ViperStrike” were much better. It was just so boring and normal and _average_.

Didn’t they want to live a little?

So Remus, sitting on the counter in the break room, had twisted his cup of coffee in his hand thrice and stared out at his distracted subjects and had tried to figure out a way to fix this.

“Excuse me,” A voice said, over the chatter about the Mari’s twins, “Has anyone seen my mug?”

Ah! Yes. That was _exactly_ what Remus needed to shake things up!

Remus had been at the company for a year, working in Marketing. He had been over qualified for the job, but it had looked entertaining and they paid him enough so that he could afford his flat and gave him Sundays off so he could still slip down to the food bank and volunteer (not that he’d ever admit that).

But if Remus was over qualified, Logan Ackroyd was a god. 

Or at least that was the rumor. Remus hadn’t ever actually talked to him.

He had been there just a year longer than Remus and he was the head of the Purchasing Department before Remus had told his first rumor. He could multitask with at least four things at once from what Remus had observed no-sweat. He was cordial, cold, and every conversation was cursory. Remus had assumed that anyone talking to him had approximately three words before Logan decided if it was worth his time or not.

Remus had suggested to a couple of his subjects once that Logan was a robot. 

“Well, he doesn’t take sick days, ever.” One of them had mentioned. “You know Remus...you might be on to something!”

It had brought on a wonderful week of half the office watching Logan with hawk eyes as if they would catch him rebooting in front of them when he stopped for his daily cup of coffee. They had a white board dedicated to the cause, and occasionally someone would add on to it about things that Logan had done that made him seem particularly robotic ( _3/14, brought an umbrella to work to avoid the rain--likely because his circuitry would short out if water got in. 3/17, did four digit multiplication in his head before Beatrice could put it in her calculator. 3/18, did not smile at Jeff’s hilarious joke,....etc)._

Logan had finally gotten fed up with them and had screeched that the next person who impeded his would be reported directly to the CEO and fired with in the weekend.

That of course had made them cross out “Robot” and replace it with “Unhinged”.

Remus had laughed about it for at least an hour.

But that had been months ago. Remus realized suddenly that Logan was overdue for a good rumor about himself, now wasn’t he?

And Remus sitting on the counter with Logan’s mug between his fingers, knew _just_ what it should be.

“Oh, sorry Lolo!” He sang over the voices of Jeff and Jen and Quin. “I borrowed it since mines in the still wet from earlier!”

Logan’s head shifted ever so slightly to the side, his eyes narrowing behind those black frames of his, and Remus could almost see the gears turning inside his brain. He was dressed overly formal, as usual; Remus just had to wonder what he looked like when he was _wrecked._ Did Logan wear that tie in the bedroom too? ...Because Remus kinda found that hot. 

Logan hummed glancing between Remus’s face and the mug in his hands that was strategically placed right between his legs on the table. “That is...unfortunate, I suppose. Please Remember to clean it out again Remus.”

“Of course!” Remus grinned and waved him goodbye and waited just until he was out of active earshot to say, “See ya later, my serotonin!”

Of course, Logan wouldn’t hear it because he had already shifted his robot brain to _workworkwork._ But Remus hadn’t said it for him, as much as he had said it fo the three suddenly _very interested_ gazes that had settled on him.

“Hm?” Remus said with a sly smile, “What’s up, guys?”

“What’s up?” Jeff said incredulously.

“Since when did Logan Ackroyd let anyone call him _Lolo_?” Quin exclaimed, “I did hear that right, right? Remus actually called him Lolo?”

“Are you guys seeing each other?” Jen blurted out.

And ah, Remus thought that this was one of the most fun games he had ever made. Too bad it was one player.

“Jen!” He said, “We’re at work!” He glanced theatrically towards the door before beckoning them closer, “And I’m not sure how comfortable my Lolo is with me telling people about the... _unique_ things he’s into, if you know what I mean.”

Hook, Line, and Sinker. 

Remus thought that he would probably be a great fisherman, if this whole advertising gig didn’t work out.

“But...but--” Quin stuttered, “Logan’s Married! He’s got to be!”

“You guys are having an affair!” Jen whispered somewhat in awe, somewhat in horror.

Jeff looked confused, “Logan’s gay?”

“Well, I’ve got work to do!” Remus said popping off the table. “See ya later!”

He grinned into the Logan’s navy blue mug as he walked back to this cubical and started counting down until the inevitable chaos erupted. 

Maybe this little scandal would bring up if Logan really was into guys. Or if he was married, although Remus was already pretty sure he wasn’t-- the guy hadn’t worn a ring despite looking like a Math God came down the mortal world to hang out for a bit. Logan would set them straight in just a few days and Remus would be able to brush it off with a comment about “one night stands” and “wasn’t meant to be” because Janet was a sucker for a sob story. And if that didn’t make them drop it, he’d just make up a bigger scandal to divert their attentions, like leading cattle around.

It was bit of fickle, fleeting fun. No one got hurt. And Remus always won in the end.

Remus didn’t even realize he _could_ lose until he walked into the office three days later and found Janet, Beatrice, and Jen right outside his cubical _waiting_ for him. They all looked mad.

“Something wrong?” He asked, “Jeff didn’t get hit by a car, did he? He owes me five bucks still because he didn’t believe Kyle was bi!”

“You!” Jen snapped jabbing a finger at his chest. “I can’t believe you!”

Remus didn’t tend to frown all that often. He didn’t have a need, when anytime he was bored he just started up the next level of his game.

But there was only oh so much difference between his confused smile and what he was pretty sure was a frown.

“Am I supposed to guess?” He said, “Is this Charades! I love Charades! You should see my shark attack survivor impression!”

“Jen its not worth it!” Beatrice, bless her heart, said quietly.

“It’s most definitely worth it!” Jen snapped at her and then whipped back around to Remus, “How come you didn’t tell us you were married?!”

Remus had thought quite a bit about what getting hit by lightning must feel like. He thought it was this: him blinking dumbly as the world continues on around him, Jen snarling something about summer weddings on the beach and not being invited and how she though they were friends-- and Remus desperately trying to collect his memories together to figure out when and how he got married without knowing it.

“I can’t believe you made us think you were having an affair!” Jen said and Remus latched onto that like it was life preserver and he was the drowning man with anvils chained to his feet in the middle of the ocean.

“What?” He managed.

“You and Logan Ackroyd!” Jen said in her rage, “Are Married! He told us this morning!”

_“What?”_

Remus most certainly would have remembered if he had _married Logan Ackroyd._ There’s no way he could have missed that! Especially not if it had been a summer wedding! He loved Summer Weddings on the beach and he had always been jealous of Roman’s which he kept...a picture of...on his....desk.

“He showed us the ring!” Janet gushed, “Mentioned that you didn’t wear yours because metal irritated your hands, but god, Remus it’s so pretty! You have to tell me who your jeweler was!”

Instinctively, Remus turned from the three women in front of him to the breakroom across the floor. And sure enough, there he was: Logan Ackroyd, wearing his usual dark blue tie, his glasses and a small smirk. On his hand was a silver band, which Remus could see quite easily from where he was because it was displayed proudly as Logan leaned against the wall with his daily coffee in his hand.

Quin chose that moment to slip out from their cubical and saw Remus standing there. They blushed so hard Remus thought that maybe they were having from sort of seizure and they ducked right back into their cubical.

Jen tugged on Remus’s sleeve, “Don’t mind them! When we went to ask Logan he mentioned the... interesting things that you two like to get up to in bed. I don’t think they’re going to be looking you in the eye any time soon.” She shot him a half grin, “Also you are into some weird kinks. Tentacles, really?”

A embarrassed squeal came from Quin’s cubical and Remus thought that was extremely accurate. _~~How the fuck did Logan know **that** one?~~_

Across the way, Logan lifted his coffee to his lips and took a long sip, and it was then that Remus also noticed that his mug of choice was Remus’s favorite: the dark green one with the chip in the handle. The Head of Purchasing raised his eyebrow in a way that clearly said _“You’re move, Remus.”_

When Remus had first taken this job, he hadn’t thought his game could be a two person one.

But he couldn’t deny that it looked like it was much more fun like this.


	2. Ring-a-ding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If he thought himself a king of the office, then Logan was honored to be the guillotine.   
> ***  
> aka Logan is going to make Remus regret this. Even if its the last thing he does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys asked for more, and I have no self control, so here we are! Intrulogical with some plot!

When Logan had first put on the ring, he hadn’t expected it to end like this.

But that was mostly his own folly: Logan should have realized that based on his (lack of) knowledge concerning the behaviors of Remus Prince, his imagined plan of action would be....upended. After all, he had barely known the man beyond the occasional sight of him in the break room where he teetered on the edge of the counter sitting much like a king as his subjects bowed before him.

Logan was of the sound impression that absolutely everyone who had been hired for his company was of the particularly stupid brand. Often times he had imagined his boss had sat down in the interviews and hired the first person who walked in and smiled, because clearly Beatrice from Accounting did not know what she was doing and her inability to use Excel spreadsheets had led him to far too many late nights correcting her work.

It was one such night that had lead to this...this _ ludicrous _ situation: Logan had been in his office all day practically tearing his hair out over his coworkers inability to count ( _ what did you do with the decimal point, Kyle? Where did this five come from? Why are you all so inept?)  _ and his coffee had gone cold, and he should have been leaving an hour ago, but these pages had been due two weeks ago and Logan hated leaving things unfinished.

He had a headache brewing from staring at his screen for so long. He peeled off his glasses and rubbed his eyes until they watered before glancing at the clock in the bottom of his screen. After a quick and efficiently ruthless curse towards Janet for being so late to turn in any of her sheets, he scooted back in his chair and had left to refill in coffee mug.

The office floor had been deserted for the most part. Logan should have been grateful, because that meant less possible nonsense to distract him from his work.

But unfortunately, he was quite familiar with Jen’s hair in a loose-but-still-formal bun and Quin’s scarf that they wore like a talisman to ward off bad omens. They clutched it the second they noticed Logan approaching the two of them, as if he had been coming to deliver an upsetting diagnosis and not to use the coffee machine they were standing in front of.

And because Logan was absolutely not in the mood to talk to either of them, Jen had caught sight of him and puffed her cheeks in anger, like some sort of puffer fish. She tuned to face him fully with her arms on her hips and gave him some equivalent to a “death glare”, as Logan assumed people would call it.

“What are you doing here?” She asked.

“I work here,” Logan said, perhaps a little snappish, “Now, might I get to the coffee machine?”

She had huffed, tapped her foot thrice, and then shuffled to the side  _ just enough  _ that Logan could get to the coffee machine.

Thankfully, just enough was still technically enough. He placed his mug beside the coffee maker and checked the cartridge for leftover used grinds because-- once again-- all of his coworkers were extremely disappointing when it came to using their brains.

Jen huffed again and she was close enough that absolutely all of Logan’s internal alarms started ringing. He snapped the cartridge --thankfully clean, Logan ideally wondered if maybe it was possible they were  _ learning. _ Oh wouldn’t that be a miracle?-- closed and debated giving up on the coffee all together. But he could still see grid patterns when he closed his eyes, so he dug out his preferred coffee brand and set up the maker.

Quin opened their mouth and closed it again several times. It was clear from the way they shifted on their feet and and looked anywhere but at Jen or him that they were uncomfortable. Logan found himself praying to gods that he didn’t believe in that they would hold off until he had his coffee and was safely back in his office.

“I see Remus cleaned your mug.” Quin mumbled softly because the gods that Logan didn’t believe in don’t exist and he was on this planet purely to suffer.

But they had made a semi-valid point. Remus had cleaned his cup just as Logan had requested--just as was _ basic human politeness when using something of someone else’s possession, _ regardless of the fact that Mr. Prince had  _ not asked permission to use it in the first place. _ Logan felt his nose twitch in irritation at the memory of the other day.

“Yes,” Logan said between his gritted teeth. Had the coffee machine always been this slow? Or perhaps it was showing its age by taking longer to make his miserable coffee. He was sure that he could move some funds around to get them a new machine by Thursday if he could just make it back to his office--

“That’s all you have to say?” Jen sniped, “Just “Yes”? Unbelievable!”

“If you have an issue,” Logan said to her, “Please keep it to yourself.”

She slammed a hand on the counter, “I  _ cannot  _ believe you! Perfect Logan Ackroyd! You’re just like all the rest of them!”

“Curious how this sounds very much like you are not keeping your issue to yourself,” Logan commented.

“Jen--” Quin said, but she acted much like puddle of gasoline after a match dropped on it.

She got red in the face and her neat eyebrows smashed together as she stared down him with a snarl that most certainly did not belong in the workplace. She stamped her foot like some sort of child-- honestly? Logan shouldn’t have been surprised seeing how he had been able to hear the meltdown that happened after her messy breakup with Kyle. It had been so loud that Remus had even had the gall to look moderately shocked when everything had gone down.

“Where do you guys get off on taking advantage of your significant other’s trust in you?” Jen growled, “Is it  _ fun  _ for you? Do you not care about our feelings? Maybe we weren’t so far off when we said you were a robot, Mr. Ackroyd! You’re cold and cruel and I hope that when your affair comes to light--”

“Jennifer,” Logan hissed, “choose your next words extremely carefully, because I have spent eleven hours going over spreadsheets that have been done  _ wrong  _ and am not in the mood to listen to you prattle about lost love. In case you have forgotten, I very much have control over your sector and it will only take three emails to have you demoted and-or removed from this company.”

Jen’s mouth snapped shut.

Logan thought that was the first merciful thing that had happened all day. He picked up his coffee, holding it tightly in his hand despite the heat radiating off it and headed out of the breakroom.

He stopped at the door, as the dregs of the conversation spun through his brain. “Did you imply that I was having an affair?”

Quin was wringing their hands and Jen was clawing her nails into the counter. Still, they nodded.

“Who told you that?”

And really, Logan should have  _ expected  _ the answer. Of course it was Remus Prince, the advertising privateer who had turned the entire company into some sort of drama circus with his half truths and his lack of a mouth filter.

The Robot Extravaganza had stolen the peace and quiet of Logan’s work atmosphere and driven him up the figurative walls. That week alone had eight times more people rapping on his door frame than he had had in the entire year previously. And of course that ridiculous white board they had put up in the far wall as if Logan was incapable of reading and comprehending words. It was unprofessional and childish and Logan had barely gotten any work done when he had been constantly interrupted with mundane questions of “Logan do you need to eat?”, “Logan how do you shower without rusting?”, “Logan do you have batteries or do you plug yourself in at night?”, “Logan!”, “Logan!”, _ “Logan!”. _

Not to mention the way that Remus had laughed the entire time as if he found the idea of Logan being  _ harassed  _ particularly amusing. And Logan  _ hated  _ that laugh. It was terrible and awful and grating, and it made Logan want to tear out his hair because it sounded so much like---

“Is that so,” Logan said absently to Jen and Quin. “Remus Prince told you I was having an affair.”

He shifted to hold his mug with both hands, his eyes slipping over to that counter where Remus had been sitting before, with that same mug between his legs daring suggestive thoughts. How many times had Logan seen him sitting there looking like he could control the whole world with a few crass comments?

It was a game to him, wasn’t it? A game that Remus loved to play because he always won.

And who better to fix that than Logan who had been craving for revenge like it was a figurative itch under his very skin?

“Ah, well then,” Logan said and then because he was very much not the type to let people misinterpret him, he added, “I hadn’t realized my husband’s antics would upset you so much, Jen. I apologize on his behalf.”

That got their attentions real quick. Quin’s neck cracked with the force of which they turned their head to look him in the eye. Jen blinked several times as if she was having trouble processing things.

_ “Husband?”  _ Jen repeats, as if she hadn’t heard the term before.

Logan straightened his back, “I’ll repeat myself slower since this seems to be overwhelming for your small brain. Remus Prince and I are married.”

“You’re a real asshole!” She covered her mouth and then fluttered her hands in a bootless waste of motions. “You’re serious? Wait of course you are! How could I forget, necktie! Oh my god, you’re serious. You and Remus?”

Logan took a sip of his coffee. “I have spreadsheets to amend.”

“Wait wait wait! I want details! Logan get back, here!” Jen screeched after him.

Logan wondered vaguely if this was the reason why Remus spread these rumors so often: the short zappy thrill that had ignited his neurons was much more effective than his coffee could ever hope to be. And Jen had believed him without a hesitance-- which truly was revealing of her hot headed nature. It was, dare he say, exciting. He hadn’t felt this way since his college lab days when he had tackled the creation of experiments with unbridled vigour.

Just how much was she willing to accept just because Logan had been the one to tell her? Just how wild of an accusation could Logan offer up before she wisened up? How quickly would this get back to Remus?

Logan itched to set up an experiment to test it all out. After all he would only get one chance to do this: most certainly when Remus gathered wind of how Logan had turned his false information back on him, Remus would come clean and admit that they had never even seen each other.

It would ruin both of their reputations. Remus as someone who spread truths, and Logan as someone who could be believed in every instance.

But Remus would still choose it over allowing anyone in the work area to think they were  _ married _ . Logan knew this easily, obviously, irrefutably. They were strangers, not even acquaintances.

“Janet! Janet!” Jen screeched surprisingly loud for someone of her stature. “Janet did you know that Remus and Logan are  _ married?”  _

Logan hadn’t realized Janet was still there at all, but at the accusation she flung backwards from her cubical in her rolling office chair and nearly crashed into Logan on just feet from his private office door.

“Run that by me again!” She demanded, “Remus and  _ Logan?” _

Logan opened his door and let himself in but before he could close it, Janet wedged her foot in the way.

“No way! Remus doesn’t wear a ring!”

“Allergic to metals,” Logan listed off the top of his head.

“ _ You  _ don’t wear a ring, either!” Janet said grabbing at his hand and nearly causing him to spill his coffee.

And well….

Quin, Jen, and Janet were all standing at his door, ready to believe whatever he said. He could have just said he was also allergic to metals too, but there was dubious gleam in Janet’s eyes, because yes, this is the sole thing she seemed to be knowledgeable about.

If Janet didn’t believe him now, then Jen would get even more upset at him than before and that would ruin the surprise for Remus tomorrow. A half baked revenge wouldn’t be nearly as good as the one he was expecting.

So he needed a ring.

His eyes slipped over his shoulder to the dinner jacket slumped on the chair in the corner of the room, crumpled and abandoned and gathering dust with the filing cabinet and the box of records that Logan had arranged his first week on the job. 

He needed a ring.

And really it was just for one night.

He could pretend.

So Logan swallowed the sudden unexpected lump in his throat and tracked the three steps to the chair to dig the silver band from the pocket. He tried to remember how long it had been there, how long he had tried shoving it from his mind, and pretending like it and the jacket and that night had never existed. 

It had been a reminder for so long now: like a flashing sign in the night had warned him that a relationship would never be worth that again, that romantic pursuits were frivolous and fleeting and meaningless.

Regardless, it felt like putting on one of his favorite ties, like slipping into his shoes that were broken in perfectly, like it was made for him.

(It hadn’t been and wasn’t that the most ridiculous part of the story?)

It was only for one night, so he let Jen and Janet and Quin ogle over it and answered their questions efficiently. He tore into Remus’s reputation as subtly as he could, making Quin flee the room and Janet fan her face and Jen cackle. He made up a story about a summer wedding, about a honeymoon he thought was just ridiculous, about late night activities he could never imagine doing with anyone.

And when they left, Logan had stared at the band engraved so delicately for another ten minutes. 

“A robot,” Logan said to himself.

Is that what  _ he  _ had thought, too? 

Logan shook his head to clear his mind. He tossed the ring in his pencil cup and gathered his bag and car keys.

If he allowed himself to ignore the lapse in reality, he could even pretend like using the ring in this fashion was the same as saying “Fuck you” to the man he had almost married a year ago.

It was just one night, and an hour or so tomorrow morning after all.

Logan arrived the next day earlier than normal, which was an unexpected surprise. He got to flick on the lights and watch the floor illuminate itself. His shoes made a lovely type of clack on the tiling.

It used to feel lonely, being this early to work, but Logan found himself distracted by the anticipation of the days promised events.

He finished correcting Janet's spreadsheets and sent them off for proper filing, reorganized his desk, slipped on his ring, and managed to get his coffee brewed before most of the office had come alive. 

"Holy shit," he heard Kyle whisper to Max, "Is Logan  _ smiling _ ?"

Curious. It seemed that he was. Logan settled himself against the wall of the break room, Remus’s preferred cup in hand, where he had an excellent view of the cubical where Remus came up with his schemes. Jen, Janet, and Beatrice were already huddling around the entrance, much like a committee of domesticated vultures preparing for a feast.

By the time that Remus showed up to the office, running three minutes late, Logan was nearly  _ giddy.  _ Perhaps he could understand why Remus did what he did, if this was the sort of feeling that he experienced every time he opened his mouth.

Logan had seen many beautiful things in his lifetime; one of his hobbies was visiting art museums, art galleries, movie premieres and the likes while on his mandatory three weeks of time off from work. Still nothing could quite capture the  _ glee  _ that was invoked directly into Logan when Remus’s eyes had widened and his jaw dropped and his face flushed with embarrassment when Quinn squeaked at the sight of him. 

Remus Prince looked like a work of art when the world dumped him on the floor and left him too shocked to speak.

If he thought himself a king of the office, then Logan was honored to be the guillotine. 

Except.

“ _ Logie _ !” Remus whined, throwing his arms up, “I thought we agreed to keep it a secret!”

Logan’s smile vaporized, almost instantly, “Wait--”

“You Mischievous Mathematician, You!” Remus giggled crossing the area far quicker than a person should be able to cross that distance. Logan blinked and suddenly Remus was right in front of him, a foot, half a foot, a handful of inches. And his voice only seemed to get louder, bolder, more excited with every step. Logan had a hypothesis that all twenty eight of the workers on the floor were watching them with baited breath.

“Well I’m happy!” Remus said loudly for Kyle and Jen and Janet and Beatrice and, and, and-- “I’ve missed getting lunch together! Let’s go to the sandwich shop down the street!”

“Absolutely not--”

“Or we could do that Thai restaurant that’s your favorite!” Remus said, which tripped Logan up because Remus had noticed he preferred Thai? Logan couldn’t even remember the last time he had Thai! How could Remus have possibly known he liked Thai? 

“I’ll pay!” Remus said when Logan hadn’t responded quick enough to turn down the lunch proposal. “Oh this is going to be so much fun, Lolo!”

And Remus came in far too close, closer than anyone has been to him in a year. His eyes were brown with flecks of green dark enough to seem like a swamp at Twilight. They gleamed as he fluttered his lashes at Logan and his mouth curls into a pointed smile.

_ “Let’s play, _ ” Remus said so softly that Logan himself could barely hear it. And then he pulled back, and stepped away with Logan’s coffee in his hands. He took a long sip and licked his lip afterwards. “Mmm! Just how I like it Lo! You’re so good to me!”

Logan knew for a fact that Remus did not like black coffee. He’d seen the numbers that went into buying creamer for the break room.

Just what did Remus think he was doing? Playing along with Logan’s rumor reversal?  _ Encouraging  _ it? 

Remus smiled at him. “Lunch it is!” He said and waved Logan goodbye with his fingers.

Of course Logan could out him right there, right then. All he had to say was that it was a lie and that he and Remus were in no way married and he had no intentions of having lunch together. But for some reason the words seemed to be figuratively jammed in his throat, leaving him with nothing more than splutterings to vocalize his frustration.

Fine. Logan inhaled through his nose, curled his lip, and twisted his watch on his left hand to center his thoughts. Remus would like to play a game?

_ Fine _ . Logan could play a game with him. 

“Aren’t you forgetting something, dearest?” Logan said before Remus could get too far away.

He could see the way Remus’s eyes light up at the nickname, the twitch of his mustache where he was struggling not to laugh too boldly. “Am I?”

“I  _ did  _ make you coffee. Do you not tip your barista?” 

“Ah,” Remus swirled the mug, “And how does my “barista” like his tips then?”

When Logan had put on the ring, he had not expected to end up with Remus’s lips on his.

And yet.

Remus kissed like he was dying and wanted to make every second last, like he was living for the moment, like he had nothing left too lose. Logan thought it was ridiculous that he tasted like pickles this early in the morning.

“I think you’ll find I won’t fold that easily, Specs,” Remus breathed when he pulled back.

Logan replied, “May the best man win.”

And then he took his coffee back out of Remus’s hands and headed back to his office with that ring firmly on his finger. It appeared that he would need it for just a bit longer.


	3. Can I call you "Son"?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Did you have fun?” Logan snarled at him. “Was that amusing enough for you, Remus?”
> 
> “You crossed the line!” Remus shot back. “What the hell were you thinking?!”
> 
> ***  
> aka the game is only fun when no one is getting hurt.

When Remus had first gone to the Thai restaurant, he hadn’t expected it to end like this.

Which he _knew_ sounded like a lie and a joke wrapped up in one, like a double whammy of comedic genius and terrible timing. It had honestly just been too bad to have been a mere coincidence and yet it _had been._

Remus couldn’t have planned the whole thing to go _worse_ even if he had tried. 

Cross his heart and stab his eyes or whatever! He swore on his life and his brother, Roman’s, and even on Mark from Human Relations’s life too!

He had been watching the clock very carefully all morning, as one did when they were unable to focus on work. New coupon advertisements were hardly exciting compared to the a _bsolute shitshow that was promised to come with Lunch_ . (Well, actually new coupon advertisements were boring as hell regardless. As long as there was a large, all caps “FREE” on it all the soccer moms and dolled-up grannies would be fighting to get in line. Remus did _not_ envy the retail cashiers.)

Instead of working on designs, he had compiled a Word document of everything he knew about Logan Ackroyd, which translated to a surprising page and a half, but still not nearly enough to convince anyone that they had been married for a year.

Which was kinda interesting, he guessed. He knew that Logan always got to work before him, he always left later, took his coffee _disgustingly_ black, and he wore a watch that told the time in military time for some reason. Also he used minty toothpaste that was stronger than black coffee and his eyes were the color of an Okopipi. Remus couldn’t help but wonder if he could secrete poisons from his skin like one too. 

That would be so cool, but Remus was pretty sure that wasn’t the case. After all they had kissed-- _kissed--_ and Remus was still breathing fine. Although there had been that three seconds when he had been very excited because his chest grew a sizable lump and hindered his breathing, but it turned out just to be a burp.

By the time lunch rolled around he had gotten exactly nothing productive done. He stretched and leaned back in his rolling office chair (listening delightedly as his spine, neck, and shoulders all popped). Then he closed off his computer and slipped from his cubicle. 

Quin still wasn’t poking their head from their cubicle when he walked by, which honestly was pretty funny. The fact that _Logan Ackroyd_ , the robot, the stern-and-stiff, the no-nonsense man with a plan, had sat down sometime last night and talked about bedroom fun times with them had Remus wheezing. Like who knew the guy could come up with stuff so shocking?

….Did Logan want to do stuff like that?

Because like...Remus definitely could fit the bill for that. If he asked, of course. 

If he asked.

Remus skipped around the last cubicle in the row and swung down the hall where Logan’s office was. Per usual his door was closed, with the frosted glass keeping anyone from seeing inside (which provided far too many ideas based on Remus’s previous train of thought). Logan’s fancy-dancy nameplate glistened in the artificial light, like a show off. Remus didn’t have a nameplate or a sign or anything in his work space: just a picture of him and Roman on Roman’s wedding day, a motivational picture of a New York City rat eating a dropped hotdog (and saying “When You Dream of Quitting Remember Why You Started”), and several dozen scrap papers of coupon designs he liked regardless of what the Company saw fit to send out. 

He was very aware of all the looks he was drawing around the office, which was nice because he didn’t even need to stomp, or stumble into Janet’s dividing wall to get the attention he wanted. He could see Beatrice and Max poking their heads out over the walls like eager little prairie dogs, and Kyle was walking really super slow to the break area. Even Janet had spun around in her chair so she could watch as Remus trumped up to the door and knocked loudly on the rattling glass.

“Hey, Lovebug!” Remus said in the sweetest, stickiest voice he could manage, which wasn’t all that hard considering the number of times he had listened to Roman do it. Oh, even the thought of Roman going and being _domestic_ like that in _seriousness_ made Remus want to rip his own tongue out and eat it. “Lunchtime!”

He knocked twice more and then stepped back and swung his arms behind his back with the brightest smile he could manage. 

It took Logan another minute to open the door, and he peered out at him with bleary eyes and no glasses. There were red marks on his face in the shape of squares, so either he had fallen asleep on his keyboard, or he had spent the better part of the morning banging his head on it. Or Both! 

Whatever it was, that was the maximum amount of disheveledness he presented: His shirt was still neat and tucked in, his pants were ironed, his hair was gelled back and that tie was tied perfectly and straight.

“Remus,” Logan said testily, “I have work.”

“We have a date!” Remus said back happily. “Is it still called a date when we’re married?”

Logan squinted at him. “I’ve decided I’m not hungry.”

Remus heard Janet biting on her pen behind them, and he imagined she was going to crack the plastic and spray ink all over her face. Despite how much he wanted to laugh at that, he settled for exaggerating a pout and slumping his shoulders.

“But Lolo!” Remus whined, “We made plans!” _In front of our coworkers!_ went unsaid but from the look in Logan’s eyes he knew that both of them understood it. 

And yeah, Remus knew he was playing a dangerous game now (and he just loved that plot twist! _Dangerous._ Who could have imagined that coming to work was dangerous?), but he couldn’t help himself. The game was exciting, it was fun, it was freeing!

And of course it wasn’t forever. He had to milk it for what was worth now before Logan got bored and killed the cow. 

Logan could easily say that his job was more important than shenanigans around the office, but the moment the words had left Remus’s mouth the Head of Purchasing’s eyes hardened with resolve. He stood straighter, tightened his jaw and then reached over and grabbed his jacket.

“Hm,” He said, “My apologies, Angel. Of course, we can go get lunch together.”

Remus didn’t know that words could sound like glass slicing through an artery, but here he was! How neat was that? He cheeks hurt from how wide he was smiling.

The ring on Logan’s finger glistened silver and attracted Remus’s eyes far too easily. He loved a good mystery. Did Logan actually have a spouse? Did they know that Logan was pretending to be married to someone else? Did they care?

(Remus didn’t. Not really, at least, because this was a game for the office to make his day job more fun. When they left the game was paused, wasn’t it?)

Logan pulled his office door closed behind him and Remus took the initiative to hook his elbow around Logan’s the way he had seen Roman do fifty million times before. It was a sappy move, something that only people in the movies did when the climax was surpassed and the audience needed to be reassured that the ending was going to be good and happy and bullshit. Remus did not expect to feel the muscles under Logan’s shirt, but _damn,_ there they were, hidden so deviously underneath his suit.

Logan led the way towards the elevator to the exit, seeming very much to want to spend as little time putting on a show as possible. It was cute, kinda. Remus wouldn’t have pegged him as the type of guy who got stage fright, certainly not after the way he had kissed that morning. Remus slowed his gait just enough to grin and smile over at a few of their coworkers, as if they needed more of a reason to stare at them.

By the time they got to the elevator, Logan was practically dragging Remus and Remus knew he wasn’t exactly the lightest person to pull along, especially when he was digging his heels into the ground. Roman was very familiar with that aspect of Remus: his stubbornness had caused far too many collisions with the floor, with the wall, with an elder lady who ended up smacking them both with her umbrella, and even once with every other step of three flights of stairs. Still Logan moved him along like he was nothing more than a mild inconvenience.

“Do you workout?” Remus asked, punching the down button with his first to knuckles. “Am I invited to come watch? Do they have couples specials at your gym?”

Logan set his jaw staring at their reflections on the elevator doors. “I believe we need to set some boundaries.”

“So you don’t work out,” Remus hummed. “You’re just naturally fit? I bet you ate all your vegetables as a kid!” 

The elevator arrived producing some intern who was quickly scared away by Logan’s responding growl. Logan tugged Remus’s arm forward, practically throwing him into the swinging metal box and out of sight of their nosy coworkers. Remus grabbed the railing to steady himself, grinning inwardly more than he was outwardly. 

“Careful there, Logie,” he warned, “Or they might think we’re about to get down and dirty in the only elevator this company has.”

“There are stairs,” Logan snapped hitting the basement button and then the closed doors button in rapid succession. 

Remus had been expecting a lot of answers, but that wasn’t it. Like really wasn’t it.

“Are we….” He asked only to be cut off by someone throwing their arm in between the doors right before they closed.

The doors rolled back, and Logan sneered at Mark from Human Relations, who at least looked like a defeated man. Remus had to guess that the rest of their coworkers had drawn straws really quickly to determine who would be the one to follow them, but he had been hoping for Beatrice. At least she would be funny to watch listen in to a carefully routed conversation; Mark just accepted everything he said the lord's work and was done with it.

If Remus said that Kyle and Max did the do in his cubicle? Mark would spend an hour and three boxes of clorox wipes cleaning everything he owned. There wouldn’t be a discussion, no questions asked, no disbelief.

(Remus wondered vaguely if he should have spread the rumor that Mark was the robot and not Logan. Oh well, the moment passed.)

((Unless he suggested that Logan and Mark were _both_ robots and they were slowly replacing everyone in the building with Life Model Decoys in an attempt to take over the company--))

“Mark,” Logan said between gritted teeth.

“Hey, Logan, Remus,” The guy said slipping into the elevator, “I heard you guys were going to get food and I thought I’d tag along.” 

“Janet told you too.” Logan said at point blank range.

“Yep,” Mark agreed. “But don’t worry I’m going to sit far away and---”

“Oh, you don’t have to do that!” Remus interjected, “Lolo and I would _love_ the company for lunch!”

Logan tensed beside him and sent a nasty look his way. Remus laughed, and it echoed loudly in the small compartment. 

“Actually what my dearest, means,” Logan started, “is that we would very much prefer if you sat away from us.”

“No, its not!” Remus countered, “I want you to sit with us Mark!”

“Absolutely not.”

“Absolutely yes!”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No!”

“Yes!”

Logan glared at him and was vehement enough that Remus could imagine the fire just coming right off the sides of his face, like a dragon snarling right before it gobbles him right up. Remus tilted his jaw up just a tad and smugly leaned forward, daring him. 

Was Logan all bark, no bite? What type of thing did he do when he was angry? Did he throw punches?

Remus had had boyfriends that had done it all. His first liked to scream and point fingers, the second had liked to throw things, lucky number three had tried to lock him in a bathroom once. Roman had shown up that time and shoved his way into their apartment and carried Remus out like he was some dashing Prince come to save the day even when Remus didn’t need his saving.

Remus had heard Logan yell when he was angry, when he was pushed and pushed and pushed. But was there going to be something else? Like a surprise explosion from a firework everyone thought was finished?

Remus steeled his shoulders, and looked up at Logan with all the readiness in the world.

And Logan’s jaw merely clicks shut, and he breathed deeply though his nose. “Fine,” He said, conceding the argument to Remus. “If it means that much to you, Remus, Mark may join us for Lunch.”

It didn’t. It meant nothing to Remus if Mark joined them or not.

Well it did, in the sense that he didn’t expect to win the argument and now they were both mere inches apart and Remus felt a bit like Logan took all the oxygen from the room with one statement. The Head of Accounting squeezed their arms together and Remus didn’t know what to do about that, didn’t know what to think, or say, or anything.

How strange.

Logan pushed his glasses up his nose and the metal on his finger caught in the artificial light again.

How strange indeed.

“Uhhh,” Mark said, “You guys good?”

“Fantastic!” Remus said happily, because even if he didn’t know what angle Logan was playing, he knew how to string along his less perceptive coworkers even if they had been completely deaf. Remus jumped right back into his friendly facade like it was a coat he hadn’t realized he had taken off. “Hey, Mark did you hear any news about Mari’s twins yet? I heard that they both had blonde hair, which I thought was weird because don’t both Mari and her hubby have dark colors?”

“Mari hasn’t had the twins yet, dear,” Logan said, not looking at him. “That was your cousin.” 

  
  


“My cousin?” Remus hummed and snapped his fingers, “Oh that’s right I forgot that Kathy’s first husband had blond hair! All I can remember about the guy is that watch that the forest rangers found at his ransacked campsite. I wonder what happened to him.”

Remus didn’t actually have any cousins, but Logan was bound to get some little fact wrong at some point. At least he was supposed to. Unless he really was a robot who was monitoring information for the government about them. 

Mark was looking a little like he was regretting coming in to work today. Remus wondered how long it would take him to excuse himself from their lunch, if he kept up at the pace he was going. Half an hour? Twenty minutes? Remus bet he could have Mark running back to the office all green in the face in ten minutes if Logan worked with him well enough.

The only problem is that Logan didn’t seem to want to play anymore.

Walking out of the elevator he pulled Remus along with that impressive strength of his and Remus happily followed, waving to the people on the street. At one point Mark tried to say something but Logan shot him a withering glare and the man promptly ate his own words.

The sun made Logan’s dark gelled hair shine, and Remus wondered how big of a line it was to reach up and ruin the perfectly combed hairstyle. It was probably a big one, right? From all the times that Remus had seen him, Logan had his hair like that: a staple feature in his appearance, just like his tie and those nerdy glasses.

The Thai food place was a nice little restaurant. Remus had been there a bunch of times, but normally all on Sunday, right after he spent the morning working volunteering at the local food kitchen, or the homeless shelter, or some other incredible kind thing that Remus would never actually admit he did.

He had a _reputation_.

Remus pulled the door open for them but there was a teenager already stumbling out before they could enter. He looked semi familiar: with his dark raven hair streaked with gold and his pale gold button up with black dress pants he could have been any of the relatively younger guys working at their office.   
  


“Dante,” Logan acknowledged him and the kid wrinkled his nose slightly.

“Mr. Ackroyd,” He said back. “If you see my dad, tell him I’m going out for dinner tonight.”

“I’m not paid to be the mail carrier between the two of you,” Logan said.

Dante raised an eyebrow at him and then gave a cursory glance to the intertwined hands that Remus and Logan had. “Of course not,” He said, “but if I happen to go missing tonight, well, then that is your fault for not telling your boss where I was, isn’t it?”

His smile was all innocent and rather mocking. Logan squeezed Remus' hand until he couldn’t feel it anymore and Remus couldn’t help but laugh at the sheer _audacity_ this kid had. Dante glanced at him again, but set his shoulders with a coy expression and moved past the three of them.

“Good day, Mr. Ackroyd, Mr. Prince--and whoever-the-fuck you are, loser.” There was a quick wave of his hand and he was gone.

“ _Loser_?” Mark repeated softly, “That little prick--”

“That is the son of the CEO, Mark,” Logan says between gritted teeth. “I suggest you hold your tongue.”

Remus thought this lunch was going to be highly entertaining, if it was already starting this way. There had been something interesting in the way that Dante had said his name, acknowledged him by name when he hadn’t recognized Mark. Remus wondered what exactly he had done to get the attention of a kid like him. Was he about to be fired? Because that was going to be the funniest shit ever.

Of course the first thing that happened after immediately thinking that was that they walked in and the host, who was previously playing on his phone, looked between him and Logan and their entangled hands and said, “What the shit?”

Despite the fact that the kid had one of those forgettable faces and he wasn’t exactly the CEO’s son like Dante (not that Remus had ever talked to Dante before either) Remus was able to place him almost immediately. 

“Virgil,” Logan said, and Remus thought he detected a hint of embarrassment in his tone. “It’s good to see you.”

Virgil’s mouth opened and closed his mouth a couple times without getting any meaningful noises out. Remus thought that if he had to identify the sounds, he’d have to go with “cat being run over by a steam roller”. 

Remus had heard that noise before. A couple times at least. The first had been one of the mornings at the food kitchen when that kid-- this kid with the dyed purple hair and the protective slouch and the bags under his eyes-- had stumbled in and hissed at every worker that approached him until Remus had hissed back at him. The kid hadn’t given up his name to them but he had accepted a sandwich and, well, Remus had seen him every couple weeks since then. He had tried to keep an eye out for him, but every time that Remus turned his back the kid had disappeared.

“Hey kid! Shouldn’t you be in school?” Remus asked.

Virgil looked vaguely ill. “My school does a thing for kids who have jobs.”

Logan squeezed Remus’s hand and he wasn’t sure if that was a warning or a subconscious action. 

“Don’t mind him,” Logan said, “A table for two-- three, if Mark still wants to join us.”

Remus leaned into Logan’s shoulder, pressing his cheek to Logan’s upper arm, “Oh I just love it when you take control like that!”

Logan didn’t respond, but Remus got the feeling his glare was slightly more venomous than before.

“Is this some sort of practical joke?” Virgil asked. “You guys-- are you guys--”

“--Out and about and having the grandest of times!” Remus finished up for him. “You know like us married couples do!” He raised their intertwined hands to show off the ring on Logan’s finger. And Virgil swallowed like he was just barely holding off vomiting over both of them.

“C-cool,” He said, and then grabbed five menus and turned right away from them. Remus thought that the way he led the three of them to their table, he was hoping to lose them. But there weren’t really any walls or places where they could have lost sight of the high schooler. Virgil tossed their abundance of menus on the table, gave them an incredibly forced smile and then sprinted to the kitchen.

Remus laughed and plopped down on the closest seat. Logan’s nose was about as upturned as it could get, to show off his distaste for _something._ Remus wasn’t sure if it was him in general or the situation that led them to having lunch with Mark in the first place. With a sneaky glance at his phone, Remus clicked his tongue. 

At this rate, Logan seemed to be ready to end it before one whole day, spite or not.

“So Remus,” Logan said, sitting down across from him. Remus, stretched his feet out to tap Logan’s, but the man maneuvered his legs so that he retained his person space. “How are your marketing strategies coming along?”

“Are you seriously trying to talk about work right now?” Remus asked, leaning forward with his hands under his chin. “You know that sort of thing turns me on, Lolo. Unless you wanna do me on this table right now, you better change the subject.”

Logan raised an eyebrow, “So you haven’t done them, yet?”

Mark let out a high pitched whine that made the women at the table next to them look over curiously. Remus winked at them and waved, but in the end he was quite content to let them stew in their curiosity.

The silence at their table came heavily. Logan picked up his menu and scanned the items although Remus guessed that he already knew what he wanted it (actually he probably got the same thing every time he came here, that _square_ ). It was a tactic to avoid looking at them-- Remus specifically, which was a shame because Remus was almost sorta getting into this. He had half a mind to send Mark on his merry way back to the office and make this outing with Logan Ackroyd a real deal.

Would Logan allow it to be a real deal sort of thing?

Remus got the feeling that Logan wouldn’t just pretend to be married to anyone who started a funny little rumor. Most of the things that Remus said rolled off Logan like water off a duck’s back. So this time must have _really_ pissed him off.

Did Logan _hate_ him?

Remus eyed Logan across the table, analyzing the set of his shoulders and the way his too-true-blue eyes flickered back and forth across the lines of text as he read. Remus could see the tension, suddenly, which was far more prominent now than it was before: it cling to his shoulders and his neck in a way that probably wasn’t good for his spine and his jaw was set so his teeth were still grinding against each other. 

Oh.

Logan did hate him. At least a little.

Remus thought that today was a big day for a lot of firsts for him: first time anyone had ever thrown his rumors back at him, first time that he had gotten married, first time that he enjoyed kissing a guy like that, and apparently the first time he managed to make someone hate him without knowing why.

Mark’s phone went off twice, vibrating loudly for the group and the man let out a long suffering sigh. “So I was gonna--”

“What do you want to drink?” Virgil said appearing suddenly to Remus’s side. “I’ll be your server or whatever.” He looked like he had just been told to walk off the plank with cinder blocks tied to his feet.

“The usual Virgil, please,” Logan said, cordially.

“Cool,” Virgil left without waiting for Remus or Mark to open their mouths. A swish of purple hair and he was gone back to the kitchen. Mark huffed at that, but Remus just found it admirable. Kids these days, and whatnot.

“I think we should tip him!” Remus suggested, “Forty percent!”

Logan raised an eyebrow at him. “Well, you are paying this time around, dear.”

“Cutthroat as ever, Logie.”

Logan clicked his tongue and went back to staring at his menu, as if Remus’s comments were just that dismissable. Logan had been doing that all morning though, hadn’t he? Turning Remus’s phrases back around on him or outright ignoring them as if they didn’t hold any weight at all. 

Usually Remus found that offensive. Usually it was grounds to start an all out war against Logan. Usually.

“He didn’t even wait for us to answer!” Mark protested. 

“Don’t be such a whiner, Mark!” Remus said lightly. “You can just let him know when he comes back around for our orders!”

“You don’t tip waiters who ignore you!”

“Maybe _you_ don’t,” Remus pointedly. “Although it's kinda rude not to. He might be going through some things! I know that Beatrice would do it in a heartbeat!”

Actually, Beatrice probably wouldn’t. Jen maybe. Jen liked sob stories like that. If it wasn’t an ending where she was the gracious humanitarian, then it wasn’t a story she wanted to tell. Ultimately boring, but at least it was predictable.

What wasn’t predictable was Logan peeking up from behind his screen, and tacking on a cold, “Additionally, Mark. No one said you had to tip him.”

Several things flickered in Mark’s eyes and Remus suddenly realized that _Hey, Mark had been expecting Remus to pay for him._ Kind of a bitch move, if you asked Remus. He knew that he made twice as much as Mark, but Mark should still be able to pay for his own lunch after being sent to spy on them by the rest of the office.

Mark stuttered a few times but ultimately fell to the ashamed silence that Remus was looking for. Once he was properly chastised, Remus picked out a sugar packet and swung it back and forth a few times.

Virgil reappeared a second later with three glasses: a tea for Logan, a water for Mark, and some soda that he placed in front of Remus without making eye contact. Mark tried to say something but Virgil raised an eyebrow and Mark wilted.

Remus was kinda impressed. He wondered if Logan taught him that trick, because it most certainly wasn’t something he had seen before. It was a new side to that kid with no name who barely talked to anyone other than a few short snappy comments and who flinched when people got too close, and Remus really liked it for him. 

He picked up his soda, rather curious as to what Virgil had picked out for him. It was already interesting that Virgil had decided to give him soda rather than water which would have been far easier to get him. Choosing soda meant that Virgil had contemplated what Remus liked, or perhaps, _disliked,_ if Virgil was trying to make him miserable by giving him something to drink that he wouldn’t like.

Jokes on him though, because Remus liked all types of soda and he liked mixing them together until his tongue went numb. As a kid he always made the grossest combinations and then switched his and Roman’s cups when Roman wasn’t looking.

“If none of you order in the next ten seconds, I’m going to give you all the Pad Gra Pow Saute.” Virgil warned them. “With calamari.”

“That sounds good to me, kid,” Remus said, and he took a long sip from his soda. It was inherently _wrong_ tasting which meant that he immediately loved it, whatever it was. Orange Fanta and Rootbeer, maybe? “Fuck me right up!”

Virgil blinked at him, “Unbelievable.” He scribbled it down on his small pad of paper anyway, “Lo, the usual still? Or are you gonna ruin my life too?”

“I think we need to talk about your over exaggeration,” Logan commented folding his menu finally. “I’ll have my Pad Thai with tofu, please.”

Virgil turned to Mark, “For you?”

“Can I have--”

“No,” Virgil said. “Time’s up. Enjoy your calamari.” 

And then he was gone again.

“Hey! HEY!” Mark yelled, looking very much like someone who was going to force his way into the kitchen just because a teenager got a little snarky with him.

Logan however, wasn’t going to have any of that. He put a hand on Mark’s shoulder and shoved him back down. “Control yourself,” He said neutrally, “The Calamari is quite delicious.”

“I don’t _want_ calamari,” Mark hissed.

“Are you allergic?”

The man blinked and petulantly admitted, “No.”

“Then I will remind you that you are still wearing your company badge and if you make a scene in this establishment that potentially wrecks my company’s reputation, you will find yourself unemployed within the hour, Mark.” Logan stated as if he were once again just detailing the weather outside.

Remus wheezed through his laughter, barely able to breathe. “F-fifty percent! Calculate that out for me, Pocket Calculator, please! He’s getting a fifty percent tip!”

“That’s it!” Mark scooted his chair back and dumped his napkin roll back onto the table. “I’m going to the restroom.” 

“Have fun!” Remus told him because he very much enjoyed kicking some people while they were down. “Don’t wait for us!”

Mark’s face was flushed with anger so Remus really doubted he heard anything anyway. 

When he was safely out of earshot and the older ladies in the other tables had gone back to their quiet refined conversations, Remus felt the atmosphere at their own slice of paradise shift.

“I believe I have never found a person as repugnant as you.” Logan hissed.

“Repugnant?” Remus echoed, “Now there’s a five star word!” He twisted his sugar packet around his fingers, “How’d you know the kid?”

“His name is _Virgil_ ,” Logan shot back, although to Remus it looked a bit like he couldn’t help himself from correcting Remus. Logan adjusted his glasses. “He is often my waiter when I come here. Occasionally he does his Math homework in the back booth and I offered to help him. I find him to be tolerable for a teenager--” He paused and squinted at Remus. “How do _you_ know him?”

“Oh you know,” Remus said, “The usual I-murdered-a-guy, -he-saw-it,-and- now-I’m-blackmailing-him-into-staying-quiet! Its been going swimmingly so far!”

Logan looked less than amused, “Do you find these jokes of yours particularly funny?”

“Uh, Duh?” Remus smiled at him. “Don’t you, Teach? Afterall, _you_ were the one who put on the ring.” Remus nodded his head towards Logan’s hands where he was subconsciously twisting the silver band. Logan scowled and immediately removed his fingers, and instead settled to stare out the window behind them.

“I don’t think there is anything amusing about you harassing a child.”

“Who said I was harassing him?” 

Logan’s cold blue eyes pinned him in place with a very dangerous gaze. Remus almost forgot how to breathe: there was fury of emotion in his eyes so strong it was nearly overflowing. “I am fond of Virgil, Mr. Prince. From the way he was looking at you, he was not so fond of you. I’m well aware that he does not come from a particularly stable home situation, but if I find out that you had any part in his uncomfortability then there will not be a _crevice_ on this entire planet you will be able to hide under to escape my wrath.”

Remus whistled lowly, “That… I didn’t know that obsessive possessiveness could look sexy.” Logan’s mouth opened, but Remus’s leaned forward and let his smile drop into a very serious expression, “I didn’t even know his name before today, but I’ve had a couple suspicions about his homelife, particularly about his parents and the lack of them, Logan. If I even _suspect_ that you’re planning something, I’ll tear your reputation to shreds with my bare teeth. And that, my dear, is a _threat_.”

Remus leaned back in his seat and smiled again. “Capisce?”

Logan inhaled through his nose but nodded stiffly. And they lapsed back into silence.

It was kinda weird, Remus thought. This was the first time he had been alone with Logan before-- or well as alone as they could get in the middle of a restaurant that smelled like spicy noodles when the old ladies a few tables away were eyeing them up and gossiping. Remus waved to them and one of them laughed. Virgil appeared again doing his best to ignore them completely by very diligently busting a nearby table.

It could have been a date, but there wasn’t any of that stuffy uncomfortable conversation that first dates usually had. They had skipped all that somehow, and now it was just moderately weird silence while they did their best to out-ignore each other. The tension over Virgil seemed to die down as Logan exhaled and Remus’s skin stopped itching at the implications he had been throwing around. 

Remus sipped his soda mixture, and debated bringing out his phone to play a couple levels of Cookie Crunch, but wouldn’t someone see that as rude? The last thing he needed was Mark coming back from his (suspiciously long) bathroom break and telling the whole office that they were ignoring each other. As far as Remus was aware, couples were supposed to be grossly obsessed with each other at all hours of the day.

(Heh, maybe that was why none of Remus’s previous ventures worked out. He got bored with people too quickly.)

“Why didn’t you tell everyone I was lying?” Logan asked suddenly. “This has no benefit to you.”

“Does everything have to benefit me?” Remus shrugged, “Plus didn’t you see their faces? I thought that Jen was gonna have an aneurysm! Why didn’t _you_ tell them? Could it be that you’re having fun too, Logie?”

Logan sneered at him, but--Remus noted with a bit of delight-- he didn’t deny it. 

“I bet you think its just as fun, don’t you?” Remus said, almost giddily, “You’re smarter than everyone else in the office and you know it. You can make them think whatever you want and they don’t even realize that you’re the one manipulating them. Think of all the things you can get away with--”

“I don’t need to get away with anything, Mr. Prince,” Logan cuts in.

Remus snorts, “But its nice to do it anyway, isn’t it? You know what, I think I enjoy being fake-married to you, Logan."

"I think I will enjoy getting fake-divorced from you, Remus." Logan hissed. “This is a waste of my time and a distraction.”

"Divorced?" Remus repeated. And oh, that won't do! They hadn’t even lasted a _day._ " _Divorced_ ?" He said again, louder for the the people at the other tables, for Mark coming back from the bathroom, for _Virgil who was busting the tables right next to them_.

Oh that was _perfect._ Remus, of course, knew exactly what kept fracturing marriages together. How could he not? He and Roman had been told it enough times that the words had been carved directly into his brain.

Remus’s mouth was moving before his plan was even fully formed,"You want to have this talk right now, Logan? Out here in public, disrupting all these nice people's lunches? You want to have this talk now? In front of our _son_?" 

“Wait _what--_ ” Virgil whipped around wide eyed, and paled when he saw the way that Remus was motioning to him. "Oh please don't."

"Remus!" Logan was standing now, looking absolutely terrified of what Remus just suggested. Funny, did Logan have cold feet over having a child? Over being a Dad? "Do not bring him into this!"

"Does he not have a right to know?" Remus shot back, and he was struggling to keep his smile off his face, "He's practically an adult! He deserves to know that his parents are fighting!"

“I will not allow you to--”

“Allow me?” Remus interrupted, because this part was _easy_ . He knew how to make a fuss, how to cause a scene, how to _act._ He was brothers with Roman, after all. They had spent their entire childhoods trying to out dramatize each other. Remus was more versed in agitating an argument than he was in making marketing concepts.

“You don’t _allow me_ to do anything,” Remus said, “I am my own person, Logan Ackroyd. Just because I let you put a ring on my hand does not mean that you control me!”

“And you don’t control me either, Remus!” Logan snarled, one hand splayed on the table and that ring glinting in the sunlight peeking through the blinds. “I do not want to play this game.”

“Our marriage is a game to you?” Remus made his voice crack and swallowed dry air to make his eyes water.

“Its a--” Logan said and stopped suddenly.

“Fine!” Remus said. “You can think whatever you want, Logan! Call that ring a game, call all our little evenings together games, call _me_ a game. But don’t you dare lump our son into that--”

Remus knew the minute they took it too far, because Logan’s eyes flashed and his jaw unhinged and the words that came out were violent and venomous and cold and not thought-out at all, “ _He’s not and never will be our son!_ ”

The entire restaurant was silent. Remus could even hear the humming from the air conditioning, the faint, worthless music playing on the speakers, each and every breath from Logan’s lungs as they stared at each other, and everyone else stared at them.

And he could hear the moment when Virgil set down his bucket of dirty dishes. Virgil with shaking hands turned to them and says in an even shakier voice, “I think its time for both of you to leave, Lo, Remus.”

“Wait, Virgil-- “ Logan said, as if he can possibly recover from that. Remus didn’t think he could breathe, because there were _lines_ and this was a _game_ and and he didn’t think Logan was actually going to say something like _that_.

“Please,” Virgil whispers and he stared at the carpet. “Go.”

“I didn’t mean it like--”

“GET OUT!” Virgil yelled.

Remus grabbed Logan by the shoulder and yanked him towards the door. Logan did not fight him, and no one stopped them, asking them to pay although Remus threw several twenties on the host podium as they went past.

Logan let him practically carry him out of the restaurant, but once they were on the sidewalk, the sunlight seemed to reboot him. He used his godlike strength to shove himself on to unsteady feet.

“Did you have _fun_ ?” Logan snarled at him. “Was that _amusing_ enough for you, Remus?”

“You crossed the line!” Remus shot back. “What the hell were you thinking?!”

“Me?” Logan growled. “ _Me_? I’m not the one who saw it fit to drag other people into this game of yours! I’m not the one who delighted in starting a scene in the middle of a restaurant! I’m not the one who decided that my need for attention was more important than the feelings of others!” 

“No one was supposed to get hurt!”

“Well, congrats Remus,” Logan snapped and he shoved that ring that had graced his hand for no less than half a day into Remus’s chest, “You failed.” And then Logan stormed back towards the office building, leaving Remus alone on the sidewalk.

And Remus couldn’t help the rumbling laughter that clawed up his throat and suffocated him in his own hysteria.

When Remus had first gone to the Thai restaurant, he hadn’t expected to end up making a kid cry. 

And yet.


End file.
